Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Distorted Reality

I am so confused. I have no idea what I look like.

The weight loss process, although quick in the grand scheme of things, has actually been fairly gradual. I've been "in" this body the whole time, and although I feel stronger and healthier, I don't feel that different. Because I basically banned any photographs over the last three years, I don't have a picture (in my head or otherwise) of what I looked like before, so I sometimes forget just how far I've come.

I try on clothes that I wore before I started this process and it's obvious that I'm smaller. Hell, I try on clothes I wore a month ago and they're too big. I know that I look different. Judging by the reactions of people that haven't seen me in a while, I look a lot different. The compliments are awesome, but sometimes it's almost as if I don't believe them. It's like the fat kid inside me argues and tells me not to listen to them.

I think it's going to take some time before I'm comfortable in my new, smaller skin. I spent almost 20 years at the "obese" end of the spectrum and there are a lot of feelings that come with that. I still default to the feelings I've lived with for years, even though I'm wearing a size I haven't worn for years.

When someone has changed so drastically on the outside, shouldn't something on the inside change too? Not to say I'm not still me, but when does the fat kid shut up so I can enjoy being the hot mama?


  1. I picture it as a merger rather than leaving one bound and gagged on the trail behind me. This is the only way that I'm sure the 'old' me won't come back to haunt me. I think the way that I was is something like the inner child. Imaginary yes, but still a part of me that needs to be loved, comforted and shown a better way.

    I'm hoping what will work the best is me validating, and then doing the healthy thing anyway. Much like a child asking for a toy at the store.

  2. I go back and for, there's days I feel like the hot mama, and there's days I look in the mirror and see no difference from 50 lbs ago! I hear ya.

  3. I am smaller then I've been in years. I still have a way to go, but I have days that I don't see the difference. I see shirts hanging on me and people telling me I look awesome and how much weight I lost, but since I haven't lost anything in few months I feel like I am fat again.

    I think it takes time to relaize how far we've come and be happy with ourselves.

  4. Maybe you could start with a faceless picture? Take a look at it and ask yourself if it looks like a nice body. I don't know... I would love to lose some weight myself. Just came by to say hi and follow you back from The Great Canadian Link Exchange :]

  5. Thanks everyone for your comments. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my feelings and I'm confident that it will all sort itself out over time. It has to, I'm not going back!

  6. I'm your newest GFC follower from MBC! I hope you'll take a moment to follow me back at Mom of all Trades!

  7. You definitely deserve the "A Blog With Substance" award I'm giving you. You can pick it up here (