No more games: Losing and Winning with Weight Watchers

Being a Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers is a huge achievement. One you reach this milestone you only have to weigh in once a month, and as long as you stay with your two pound window (2lbs above or below your goal weight), you don't have the pay the fee.

For about the past four months, I've been playing a little game with myself. I weigh in at home a few days before my scheduled weigh in day, and then if the scale is a bit on the high side I delay the weigh in to the following week. It's a game I've been "winning," until now.

And winning is of course a poor choice of words, as this is not the behaviour I spent a year learning and living. If I was making the right choices every day, then it wouldn't even be an issue.

You also have to pay the fee if you miss a month's weigh in, so being the last weekend in August I HAD to weigh in. (You also get a star sticker for every month you weigh in and I'll be damned if I'm not going to get my star!)

I was 0.8lbs outside my "window," which means I'm actually 2.8lbs above my goal weight. Last month I was lower than goal, so this month I faced a 3.5lb gain. OUCH.

No more games, no more playing the system. I'm going to track, and I'm going to be MINDFUL. I've kind of been kidding myself the last few months, and while I haven't entirely gone off the rails, I certainly haven't been as mindful of what I've been eating. Conscious yes, mindful no.

Three key actions that have likely led me here:

1. Not bringing my lunch enough at work, so I simply HAVE to go have sushi.
2. Finishing off what the kids leave on their plates - never a lot, but every little bit counts. I never did this while I was losing weight.
   
   And...
   
   
3. Fruit. As some of you will know, I am NOT following the PointsPlus system, so fruit is NOT zero points. But there have been so many lovely blueberries, cherries, peaches, strawberries, nectarines...the list goes on and I LOVE fruit.

So. No more games. And even though I won't be playing, I'll still be winning. But not Charlie Sheen winning.

September weigh in, here I come.

Me, Only Better.

I think the reason Weight Watchers has worked this time is because I finally realized that it is NOT a diet, it truly is a lifestyle change. I always understood that in theory, and this time something clicked in my brain and I finally get it.

What I didn't expect was the change in my lifestyle. Does that sound like a contradiction? Yes, I have made Weight Watchers my lifestyle. Yes, my way of eating has changed forever. Yes, exercise is now a permanent and enjoyable part of my life.

But by changing my lifestyle, my style of life has changed. Let me explain before you stare at your screen with a big "Duh."

When I'm talking to people about my weight loss, they nearly always say something to the effect of "You must feel amazing" or ask "How do you feel?" I usually answer these questions with exclamations about how good I feel, how I have more energy, how I can play with my kids more... easy, fairly predictable answers.

I only truly realized this week just how different my lifestyle and way of thinking were. When we renovated our house and moved in two years ago, we had pre-painted siding installed. The boards just had one coat, basically a primer, and the siders sealed all the seams with a putty that irritatingly stood out like a sore thumb. We knew when it was installed that we would have to paint the house within a couple of years, but it was a much cheaper option at the time.

Two years ago if you had told me "We have to paint the house," it invariably would have ended up with Mr. Awesome out there every day slaving away and me offering very little participation. I would likely have done a little bit and then made an excuse for why I needed to go inside, sit down, etc. I simply didn't have the energy. I wouldn't have had the staying power to paint window trim, let alone a whole wall. It was partly the lack of energy and partly sheer laziness brought on by the lack of energy. I was stuck in laziness loop!

We've just completed four full days of house painting, and when I say we I mean WE. Okay, Mr. Awesome stands at 6'5" so he has done a little more than me because he can reach the high parts easier, but I have definitely held my own on the workload. I've only stopped to make meals or relieve the babysitter, but otherwise I've been out there, roller or brush in hand. I've hardly sat down (unless I was painting the bottom of the wall) and I haven't even been that sore afterwards! I've painted a HOUSE! I can look at our house with pride and know that I actually actively contributed to how it looks, not just sitting and picking out colour swatches.

When I realized how different my energy and attitude were compared to a couple of years ago, I was shocked. It made me look at other instances where my outlook is different, my decisions have changed, etc.

I no longer park as close as humanly possible to my destination to save the walk from the car. I take stairs with ease, and quite often instead of an elevator. I spend a LOT less time sitting on the couch. When out for a walk, I never used to be able to keep up with Mr. Awesome (give me a break, he's 6'5" for Pete's sake) but now it's not even an issue. We are going to San Francisco next month and we're planning on renting bicycles and riding across the Golden Gate Bridge. And I'm EXCITED about it, not dreading it!

I'm the same person I was before, but better. I'm not afraid of trying new things. I don't say no to new opportunities or activities because I'm worried I won't have the energy, or that I'll be too big, too heavy, too slow.

Who knew that by making a lifestyle change, I would give myself a whole new life.

She Shoots, She Scores!! GOAL!

I started Weight Watchers on December 18, 2009. 32 weeks ago. 224 days ago. 63.6 pounds ago.

On Friday, July 30 I reached my goal.

I originally set my goal as 170lbs. This represented a loss of 53lbs and would be lower than I had been in years. It seemed very, very far away. It was more than I had ever lost before but I wanted to be realistic.

170lbs was also outside the BMI range for "normal" so I got a doctor's note so Weight Watchers would approve it. It bugged me that my end point was outside the range that some 19th century Belgian researcher deemed normal. I know this is ridiculous and I can rationalize the hell out of why the BMI is inadequate, out of date and doesn't matter, but it still bugged me.

Turns out it didn't matter. 170lbs came and went. The goal I had thought was just a pipe dream passed by like any other weigh-in. It was realistic after all and I knew I could keep going.

I set my final goal at 160lbs. And as of last Friday I reached it, at 159.4 pounds.

I now begin the wonderful world of maintenance. I have to figure out how to eat to maintain the right balance between calories consumed and calories burned. I get extra points, but have to stay within a 2+/2- pound window. And we're weaning the little miss this week, so any extra points I get from maintenance will shortly go away once breastfeeding is finished.

I'm basically riding a fine line between breastfeeding and maintenance and trying to keep it all balanced so I don't really have to change much in my eating habits.

My balance is not one of my best skills, so this should be interesting. Let's hope I don't fall!

Shopping Just Got A Lot More Interesting

This kind of goes hand in hand with an earlier post entitled A Distorted Reality, but my reality still seems to be a bit shaky.

I was out for dinner with a few friends and we stopped in to one of their houses afterwards to have a quick visit with her baby boy. Just as we were getting ready to leave, she asked what size I was wearing now. I said size 10 but then quickly began to panic. Would they believe me? How could I possibly be a size 10?!

My panic increased when she explained that she had a size 10 pair of pants from H&M that were a bit big for her and she wondered if I wanted to try them on. Oh my God, they're going to find me out! There's no way her pants will fit me! And H&M? I haven't been able to buy anything there with the exception of jewelry and kids' clothes since they came to town! I waffled a bit and said that in SOME pants I'm still wearing a size 12, and that they may not fit. I was basically apologizing for being a size 10 and I have no idea why. Was I going to be embarrassed if they didn't fit? Why? I haven't been this size since high school and I've worked hard to get here, but I was convinced that I would try and squeeze on these itty-bitty size 10's and be faced with the reality that they didn't fit.

It's like every time I stand on the scale. I was in the 200's for so long that now I'm almost 40lbs into the 100's I don't believe the numbers. I have moments of fear that maybe my scale is broken, that maybe the little man has dropped it and it's out of whack by about twenty pounds. But he can't have snuck in a dropped all the scales at Weight Watchers too, can he?

I have lived for a long time with the understanding that there are only certain stores I can shop in, and that when I go shopping with friends I will likely not be able to find anything in the same stores as they do. Outlet malls where they had a Banana Republic AND a Lane Bryant were my saving grace, where we could all come home with a fun new purchase.

Since starting this weight loss journey, my shopping has pretty much been at Costco, or at Target when we venture south. I haven't really bought anything at a "real" store yet. I did buy some pants (yes, size 10) at Winners a while back, but that's Winners, and I figured their sizing must be skewed to explain the low prices. How could I possibly fit into a pair of pants from H&M? The odd XL shirt, sure, but PANTS?? My hips and shopping have never been friends, and I was about to slip my saddlebags into a pair of pants from H&M. Who the hell do I think I AM?

Long, drawn out and fairly predictable story short, the pants fit. And they look decent. And they're linen so after a couple of hours they're actually baggy. A size 10 pair of H&M pants is actually baggy on me.

Shopping just got a hell of a lot more interesting.

(Insert sound of Mr. Awesome quietly weeping in the corner as he opens the credit card bills.)

A Big Fat Reality Check

I was thinking about the post I will write when I reach my Weight Watchers goal. I'm getting close. Really close. I may choose to go further, but that's another post entirely.

I started looking in our files for a "before" picture, as that seems appropriate. Given that I had basically banished any cameras from my presence for the last few years and any of the sneaky buggers that managed to snap a picture of me were immediately destroyed in a shower of hellfire, there were very, very few pictures of me in my "before" years.

Last night we had friends over for a dinner party (oooh, aren't we fancy) and one of our guests brought a flash drive with some photos from their wedding last August. There was one of me, that I obviously did not know was being taken or the photographer would have been shot (pardon the pun) on site. I was 7.5 months pregnant and it was a freakishly hot day so there was some swelling going on, but I can't really blame that. I can't really even blame the fact that I was pregnant, as I only gained 16lbs during my last pregnancy. Yes, the belly was pregnancy-related, and boobs too to some extent, but the arms, chins, and general width were all mine. I introduce you to my "before" picture:

I mentioned in an earlier post that I really didn't have a clear image of what I looked like before I started this weight loss journey and new lifestyle. Even Mr. Awesome couldn't really remember as he's spent almost every day with me during the gradual changes. When he showed me the picture he thought there must have been some stretching or the photographer must have been using a "funny lens." He didn't remember me looking like that and neither did I, but there I was, almost one year ago exactly, in all my glory.

I knew I looked different now because people I haven't seen in a while are always surprised to see me, but I didn't fully comprehend just how far I'd come.

This is me today. I'm the same person, but at the same time a very different person. It's weird to think back to how I felt then. I was happy with my life but not my body. I'm now stronger, I'm healthier, I got my waist back, I can jog and climb stairs without getting winded... I don't think anyone is ever 100% happy with their body, but now I'm a hell of a lot closer.

And when they invent a magic pill that gets my boobs back up to where they used to be, I'll be that much closer again. But that's fodder for another day's writing.

Well, Excuuuuuse Me!

I used to be the Queen of Excuses. I always had reasonable explanations for why I didn't work out, why I didn't lose weight that week, why it was okay to quit Weight Watchers... I could explain away anything. I was really very good at it. Maybe that's why I ended up in marketing. I could "spin" anything.

In early 2002 I started dating Mr. Awesome. I had been on WW for a few months and had lost about 25lbs. Immersed in the honeymoon phase of my new relationship I began to forgo workouts, neglect my points tracking, etc. Who could blame me? I was newly in love! I would have WAY rather spent time with my man than (God forbid) leave him for an hour to go to the gym. That was the beginning of the end of my fitness regime.

In June of that year my dad passed away. I was understandably devastated, had to take a leave from work, and the last thing I cared about was taking care of myself. Slowly but surely, Weight Watchers and the gym became things of the past.

Thinking back to who and how I was back then, I hadn't truly made a lifestyle change - I was just on a diet and exercise program. The necessary mind shift hadn't happened so I was likely doomed to fail at some point. I'm not saying I would have powered through my grief with workouts, but I may have gotten back on the proverbial horse after a few months.

Fast forward to 2008. I started thinking about getting in shape and FINALLY getting rid of (most of) the excess weight when the little man was just over one, but I knew we were planning on having a second baby in the next couple of years and I just couldn't fathom working that hard to lose the weight and then gaining back anywhere from 20-50lbs. I knew then that when I finally made the decision to change my habits, it was going to be for good. If I didn't get there for another couple of years, so be it. When I DID do it, there would be NO EXCUSES!

The little miss was born in late October 2009. I'd only gained 16lbs during this pregnancy (no idea how or why, but that's all I gained) and then pushed out a 9lb 6oz bundle of love, so by the time she was three weeks old I was already lower than my pre-pregnancy weight. It was time. Two years is a long time to plan to do anything, so I was pretty psyched to get going.

Before beginning, I had to acknowledge a pretty undeniable fact: I am lazy. If this was going to work, I had to have reasonable expectations and not make anything too difficult to achieve. If it got too hard I was likely to let the excuses creep back in and be back where I started.

So here I am, 20 weeks in and 42.6lbs down so far. Suffice to say, it's working and there have been very few excuses. I am nowhere even close to perfect at this. I've missed a few workouts and eaten over my points allowance quite a few times, but I've made up for any slips within a few days.

When my dad quit smoking after 50 years, he smelled smoke everywhere. We'd get into elevators and he'd know that there had been a smoker in there minutes before. It was like his nose was now fine-tuned to smell smoke. I feel kind of the same about excuses. Not only did I not notice (or let's be honest, admit) when I was making excuses before, but I didn't usually notice when other people were making them too. Actually, I kind of welcomed other people's excuses, because I could then either use their excuses for why I couldn't do something, or use them as the excuse. Jen can't go to the gym? Well shoot, then I can't go either.

I was sitting in my WW meeting a couple of weeks ago and the leader was trying to get a discussion going about ways to find time to exercise. I could not believe the excuses I was hearing. Yes, absolutely, life does happen and get in the way. I get that. But these people were complaining about how hard it was to find time to exercise, or to resist temptation, basically victimizing themselves and defending their choices with excuses. It's like they wanted the leader to tell them "It's okay, it's not your fault you gained this week. You didn't bring those brownies into your work lunchroom."

If you really and truly want to get healthy, you WILL find a way to make it happen. You will find at least a little time each week to be active. You will resist the treats in the lunchroom, or if you do indulge, you will track it! Yes, it might take a long time to get there, but you will do it. It's about planning ahead and thinking things through. At my work, I KNOW that come Christmas time there will be trays and trays of goodies in the lunchroom. But it is MY decision whether or not I eat something.

Don't get me wrong. I am tempted every single day and I do indulge. I do miss the occasional work out. But I accept responsibility for that. I don't make excuses because I have to OWN my behaviour. It will be my own doing if I don't succeed. No one is going to lose weight for me. If they did, then they would look fantastic and I would still be 230lbs.

Excuse me? I don't think so. I'm the one who is going to look fantastic, thank you very much!

The Magic Number

When I started Weight Watchers last December I thought about what I would set as my goal. I thought back to eight years ago, the last time I was in WW. I thought about the weight I reached before I fell off the wagon. I thought about why I fell off the wagon (more on that in a separate post to come), and I thought about how I felt physically at the weight I reached before I fell.

I had lost 25lbs and I felt great. Back then I was about 170lbs at my fittest, maybe a bit lower but I can't remember for sure. For my height, the top of the BMI range is 164lbs but the thing is, I'm lazy. I don't want to have to work out every day of my life and deny myself the occasional small treat to maintain my weight. I am confident that this lifestyle change is for well, LIFE. Something has clicked in my brain and I know I can live like this forever, but not if I have to work like a maniac to make it happen. I'll be happy working out three times a week, and I want to make sure I set a reasonable goal that I will be able to maintain.

I've been sitting here for about 30 minutes writing and rewriting this paragraph, trying to decide whether or not to actually put my weight in print, but what the hell. Like my "fat clothes," that's a place I don't ever intend to go back to so what does it matter? A goal of 170lbs represents a 53lb weight loss. For those not good at math, I started WW on December 18, 2009 at 223lbs.

I currently weigh 182lbs - that's 41lbs lost so far. 12lbs to go to my goal. Thanks to my workouts, points tracking and the wonders of breastfeeding, I am losing weight pretty steadily. I gave myself until the end of August to reach it, leaving a month and a half to practice maintaining before I return to work in October. Given that timeline 12lbs does not seem daunting, which has me wondering if I should go for the brass ring - 18lbs to actually be within the BMI range for "normal." I've broken out of the "obese" range, and am now smack dab in the middle of "overweight." Could I actually one day reach what some Belgian mathematician in the 1800's considered "normal?" Does it matter?

I guess the answer is that it really doesn't matter. If I feel good at 170lbs, great. I even have a doctor's note stating that 170 is a reasonable goal in case I get an argument from my WW leader. If I feel I can go further, I will. Either way, it will be what's right for me.

How do you set the "right" weight loss goal for you? What's your magic number?

Addicted to the Scale

I admit it. I have a problem. Well, I have many, but this one has just shown its ugly head to me while we've been on vacation. I am addicted to the scale. Not in a do-anything-I-can-to-lose-weight way, but I do weigh myself an inordinate amount. I wake up, I weigh myself. I feed our daughter, I weigh myself. I pee (yes, I went there- did you expect anything less from me?), I weigh myself.

Don't get me wrong. This is not an all out mission to watch the scale creep ever lower with each check. I eat like a normal person. Since I'm still breastfeeding, I actually eat MORE than the normal Weight Watchers member. I just find in fascinating to see the effects of each meal, sleep, feed, etc. I don't get freaked out if it's higher than my last WW weigh-in, because I am a card-carrying believer in the system. If you track your points and stay within the limits, work out at least 3 times a week and then pray like hell to whichever god/idol/Elvis statue you choose, you will lose weight. I have been steadily losing weight since I started, so why would a little spike on the scale freak me out?

It does do one thing for me. It helps me to go to my weigh-in/meeting confident in the outcome, give or take a few ounces. Here's the thing. I have been on vacation now for nine days, and it's been ten days since my last weigh-in. I'm using one of my "free week" coupons as we were away for last week's weigh-in, but I have a weigh-in coming up 28 hours after we get home and I have NO IDEA what the scale will say. I haven't been able to weigh myself for over a week. I am petrified!

I have been pretty damned good this vacation, staying within my points limits almost every day and I've been to the gym three times plus walking everywhere. (Don't boo and hiss me just yet - tonight I enjoyed three glasses of wine and a piece of cheesecake. Four points over and worth every one.)

I'm sure it's not COMPLETELY healthy to weigh oneself that much, and I know "it's not about the number it's about how you feel," bladdy bladdy blah. I really do just get a kick out of analyzing the effects of a day well lived. Let's call it scientific research. Or being a complete and utter control freak.

It definitely does remind me to stay on track, and this is where I am a little worried. I set myself a goal before we left. I'm currently at 36.6lbs lost and as I'm missing one week's weigh-in, I believe it's possible that I could indeed reach the big 4-0 at my next weigh-in. 3.4lbs over two weeks is completely doable, right? Right?

Oh well, if I'm not there this week I'll get there next week. I'm not worried. And I will NOT use my other "free week" coupon to avoid a bad weigh-in.

After all, it's not about the number, etc etc ... although Weight Watchers doesn't hand out "I fit into my wedding dress again" charms for your little keychain. Maybe they should.

22lbs down, 28 to go.

Our second child, our daughter, was born on October 23, 2009. I have always been overweight but just couldn't commit to losing the 50lbs needed until after the pregnancies were done. I couldn't bear the thought of putting in all the work, only to gain back 30lbs while expecting. By the time she was 3 weeks old, I was itching to get started.

I'm on mat leave until October 2010 and I intend to reach my goal weight before I return to work. The plan is actually to reach goal by August, so I have 2 months of maintenance and figuring out new routines before I go back. I'm a creature of routine, and I need to know when I'm going to work out, what I'm going to do, what I'm going to eat, etc. Before I'm back at work 35 hrs a week and tempted by all the fast food outlets and goodies in the office kitchen, I'd better have been living this new way for a while!

I started Weight Watchers on December 18, 2009. So far I have lost 22lbs, and I'm feeling good about the lifestyle changes. There is no way in hell I would ever succeed at a program that imposed strict limitations that weren't realistic for the long term. WW makes sense to me, I've done it before, and now I'm finally in a place to make it last.

22lbs down, 28 to go!

I've Never Been a Journaler

I love notebooks. Pretty books of pretty pages wrapped in pretty paper. Blank pages just begging to be filled with profound thoughts and memories of my life. I tried. I tried valiantly. I tried repeatedly.

When I was 10 yrs old I got an "Annie" diary, complete with little gold lock and key. I completed five entries in five days and never wrote again. At least once a year until around age 20, I would discover the perfect notebook, the one that would finally inspire me to journal on a long term basis. Some never even saw pen touch paper. Some got as far as a week of dedicated writing and then shut forever. I got a travel diary for a 6-month NZ trip. I wrote religiously for the flight from Vancouver to Auckland, and for my first 2 days in Wellington. That was it. Thank God I took pictures.

For our first wedding anniversary, my husband and I decided to go with the traditional gift theme of paper. He bought me a very cool notebook made up of all kinds of different papers - maps, graph paper, envelopes, vellum. It is absolutely beautiful, and I just love it. The problem is, I didn't want to repeat history and use it for something pointless and then never look at it again. I didn't dare begin a journal that would inevitably get stuffed away in a box within the month. I kept it safe for 4 years, feeling guilty that I wasn't using his lovely gift. I only recently unearthed it to actually put it to use. It is now my fitness inspiration and motivation book, which I fill with inspirational statements cut out of magazines, short notes about significant achievements in my weight loss journey, and reminders of why I started my fitness quest in the first place. With no schedule for journal entries and no self-imposed strict format for how to fill up the book, I believe I may have found the perfect use for this book.

So why, when I am obviously HOPELESS at journalling, would I ever consider starting a blog? Well, as a mom of an almost 3 year old boy and an almost 4 month old daughter, life is filled with adventures, some happy and some that make me want to tear out what's left of my post-pregnancy hormonally challenged hair. Add to that the fact that I've decided to actually embark on and commit to a new healthy lifestyle (with the help of Weight Watchers). I am on a quest to lose 60lbs before I return to work in October, and I am NOT what you would call athletic. I love TV and I love food, so this is indeed a major life change! All these things come with a variety of pitfalls, so I figured I needed somewhere to vent. What better place than the interweb?? Somewhat anonymous and not as scary as a blank page on my nightstand.

I may never get a single reader, but then again, with my history, I may never write another post. :)